Dear OBU Students:

I'm sorry for sitting around with my thumb up my ass while all your bikes got stolen. I was too busy writing a parking ticket on a truck with a bed full of them to notice.

Wow! It seems like just yesterday all the kids were leaving for Christmas, and now they're all back here on campus. I'm glad they're back. I was getting pretty lonely. Not a single person came and played ping-pong over the break. Not even those Asian kids that are usually in here at least four hours a day.

Sometimes when I'm driving the Safety truck around, I like to pretend I have lights on top. I'll flip this switch on the dashboard (I haven't really figured out what it actually does yet) and I'll make siren noises with my mouth. Andy caught me doing it one day, and I was really embarrassed, but I still like doing it anyway. It makes the truck seem so much more exciting.

Well, I have to go. It's time for me to go touch my wand thingy to the wall thingies around campus.

Currently Playing Every Breath You Take: The Classics By Police see related

Ho hum. School is so boring when the students are gone. This afternoon I wrote a ticket to a dog that was peeing on the science building. He'll probably mail it in though. He didn't look familiar.

When I used to watch Cops after my parents went to bed, I always thought that a career in law enforcement would be the rush of a lifetime. Of course, in retrospect, I realize that a cop and a safety officer are two entirely different things. However, I wanted my dreams of a badge and flashlight to call my own to come true immediately, and tip-toeing through the tulips of all that police academy jazz just didn't appeal to me.

So now, twenty years later, here I sit. Was it worth it? I don't know. But it's my job, and am the finest Safety Officer Ouachita Baptist University has to offer. You can take that to the bank.

I was sitting in the Safety Office tonight, minding my own business, watching for foxy ladies on the security cameras, when I noticed a student using one of the computers located behind the bulletproof (that's what they've told us, anyway) glass next to me. This young lady had failed to show her student I.D. before commandeering one of my computers, and I promptly accosted her (purely out of interest for her well-being, mind you). After I had wrestled her to the ground and pressed my flashlight to her throat, she produced her card, confirming that she was, indeed, an OBU student. I let her up, and she proceeded to log onto a website called "Xanga." This piqued my curiosity: it looked interesting, simple, and, most importantly, like something that could keep me occupied during those long, lonely nights in the Safety Office. After I issused the girl a strict warning and threatened a visit to my hero Keldon Henley's office (he's sooooooooo dreamy...) , I reentered the office and thought I might just see what this Xanga nonsense is all about.

Whoops, gotta go. Someone needs to get into a building, and I have to go hide in the bathroom for half an hour first.

-Safety